my little southern haunt down here got some snow. 10 inches in fact, which is probably the most accumulation we've ever had in my 15 years living here. been stuck inside for a few days because I don't really have winter gear and my little 2WD tacoma definitely isn't getting anywhere without a fight. spent most of it hanging out with my mom and watching star trek honestly. did some leatherworking for the first time in a while because a friend ordered some customs from me. as soon as I can actually get to the post office past the foot of frozen-over snowdrift blocking my driveway, they're off to australia. by far the furthest something I've ever made will have ended up thus far. maybe in a few days I'll start making a ton of stuff again and get out of the funk I've been in with leathercraft. I think I just got burned out from working on projects 5 hours a day every day in my cramped bedroom. the business side of it might be done for me for now. still trying to decide if I want to apply to the events I was planning on attending this year, there's a lot of logistics and I'm really hoping to find a more permanent job before the summer.
snow always makes me sentimental. earlier I was sitting outside and staring at the light sparkling in the banks from the dingy streetlight across from my house and it reminded me of a similar night about 4 years ago. had a couple days off of school for snow and I stayed up until like 2 in the morning beating metal gear solid 2. no telling how many countless times I'd played it by that point, but it was still so special to me at that point. snowy nights are the quietest I ever see my town. nothing but the wind in my poorly insulated house and my dog snoozing next to me while I spent hours going through the motions of something I'd completely devoted to memory by that point. I haven't played it all the way through in years at this point, something feels distant now, but I could totally still run through the broad strokes of it in my head if I tried. a few weeks after that, I played through metal gear solid 3 in full for the 9th time. I do remember the exact number for that time, multiples of three always tend to stick in my head. that absence of school was for a pretty nasty sinus infection, back before I was medicated for asthma and that kind of thing knocked me completely on my ass. they still suck but for most of the year my medications help. chronology through experience is such a specific and funny thing. in many ways nothing has changed at all but for better and for worse, nothing's really the same. I'm ecstatically grateful I'm not in high school anymore, but every now and again the weather will be so specific or I'll hear a song I used to listen to while walking to the library and I get kind of wistful. pavement, talking heads, the cure, david bowie, cocteau twins, the clash, the ramones, and the misfits are the absolute worst offenders for this. for fuck's sake, I did not enjoy a single moment spent in my high school gym, bonzo goes to bitburg shouldn't make me intimately remember the smell of the foam pads in there.
I try to avoid falling into the pits of nostalgia because of how corrosive it can be to your mind, as well as my general belief that I should try to live in the present, but man it's hard when the world is this shitty. I'm well aware that I wasn't particularly happy nor was anything particularly stable when I was in high school (my state's current governor's bullshit education "reforms" [read: historical revisionism and the demonization of queer people] went into effect my senior year for christssake), but man. my heart hurts for the people of the world. I can't do much outside of my local and regional communities but I like to think I'm doing something. took some people out shooting a few months ago, attended a few protests. always keeping an eye out for changes so I can let people know. feels so much worse when you spend a few days in near isolation though. maybe everything's fucked but there's a lot of great people out there that I need to try for anyway. fuck ICE, fuck the IDF, fuck the united states' cyclical history of violent exploitation, and fuck the world's complicity.
this really wasn't meant to be a super heavy blog post, whoops. I shit you not my window started leaking while I was writing that, I guess the world around me is really reflecting how angry I am. or something. I don't know, I've been kind of sick today and yesterday. without getting into too much detail, my insurance is really screwing over my medications so my health is kind of sucky. trying to take it easy. doing a very poor job and getting a bit of cabin fever at the same time. if I can successfully breathe tomorrow I may take a short walk, it's supposed to be the slightest bit warmer so I should be fine if I layer up and don't get too wet. tonight I'm drinking hot cocoa and eating some homemade snickerdoodle cookies I baked the other day. been getting a bit better at baking and cooking, maybe I'm steadily developing some patience and resolve. that'd be nice.